Thoughts

It's weird to think that once posting here was so important to me. In a way, writing has become much less important, now I'd rather talk to people. But somehow, today, it seems like there's something more that needs to be said, even though I don't yet know what it is. What I do know is that it's much easier if I imagine that I'm only writing to myself. I have no idea why I putting it on a blog, if that's the case. But it sort of shows what some of my doubts have been lately. It's weird when I stop to think about it, it seems I'm nothing but doubts these days. Nothing seems certain, nothing's decided, and I'm not sure of most of what I think. Yet, I don't remember ever feeling so sure of myself for so long. I've had moments of feeling certain, but they never lasted for months, like it's happening now. But how can I be sure and confident, and extremely insecure and lost at the same time?
It's amazing to think how much my life has changed. It feels like it started about six months ago, but the last two months made everything more blatant. I remember thinking last year how much I missed having close friends, because for a while I didn't really have anyone. And now today I have a list of people I can choose from, if I ever need to talk. People that I never expected would come into my life, and people that were already there, but I still hadn't realized how great they were, or I had forgotten. I guess this is a little my way of saying thanks. To each of them, and to whatever force brought all of us together. All of them are definitely a part of why everything feels so different. I guess that being able to open up again, and to such different people, from all around the world, and the one who is always by my side, physically, and the one who has known me for so long, all of that has made me see myself from a different light. And somehow it made me stronger. For one, because I'm chaging the image I had of myself that I would always be alone because I thought I was incapable of making friends. I don't think I'm as awkward as I used to be. Or at least, if I am, I learned to show people a good side of me, that would make them love me anyway. The other side of that, that's connected to the first one, is that actually saying what I feel, makes me see everything from different angles. And I'm getting a completely different idea of myself, but also everything, because of all the talks. It's the good side to overthinking, it can make you learn a lot. At least I feel I have learned. So much it's unbelievable. And, finally, I think these friendships helped me overcome a fear of mine, of always avoiding conflict. Because I think I've had some sort of conflict with each one of them, though sometimes rather small, and it didn't destroy anything, much to the contrary, it just ended up bringing us closer. At least I feel closer to them because of that.
I guess none of that makes much sense, especially to anyone who can't be inside my head. And it's not even what I intended to write in the first place. Well, it was, if I think about it. Because, mainly, what I wanted to write was a bit of all the things that have been going through my head a lot lately. And that's one of them. The other part is, how scary it is not to have any idea what your future is going to be like. I try to plan everything, and prepare myself for what's to come, but I don't think it's possible to prepare myself for my future. I'm constantly torn between a feeling of "I can't wait for everything that I want to happen" and "What the hell am I doing, and how crazy am I?" I guess in a way it is connected to what I was saying before, because all my friends are the ones helping me calm the second thought. And I know that no matter where I am, I'll be able to count on them. And if I were able to make these friends, I may not be so lonely when I finally go.
But, still, with all this said, all I can think about is still, I'm really, really scared. And I don't think there's anything I can do about that now.

@thcristy Read it. And it’s lovely. Thank you so much.
— Josh Radnor (@JoshRadnor) December 20, 2012

Liberal Arts - contains spoilers

So, I finally watched the best movie of the year. Not The Avengers, not The Hobbit, not Twillight. Liberal Arts. Actually, let me correct myself: The best movie in a really long time.
And to start, I'd like to say, sometimes I'm really bothered that English is my second language. There's so much I want to say about this, and I already feel like I lack the right words. But I am going to write this in English, in great hopes that the person who I most want to read this, does. The immensely amazing person responsible for this movie.
I have been anxiously waiting for this movie since the middle of the year, or more. And you know how when you are really expecting something, and you're afraid that the thing will never be as good as you imagined because nothing could ever live up to your expectations? I was afraid of that. And I was deeply surprised. It not only lived up to my expectations, but it actually exceeded them.
And now is the part when I feel like getting a thesaurus.
This movie is incredibly well written. The dialogues are extremely light and deep at the same time. It's fluid, it's funny, it's endearing and heartwarming. The characters are incredibly real and it is the only flaw of this movie that it's too short. I could watch these people lives developing for days. I'm completely in love with everything Nat says and does, but mostly, we have to remember that, yes, everything is okay, and hard as it may be, be love. I'm also completely in love with Zibby, especially her spontaneity. "We should hug". Also, I actually cried with "I would like to kiss you... on your forehead". It takes a special kind of sensibility to write these kinds of scenes.
Now, is it weird that some things Jesse says about the music that Zibby gives him actually remind me of how I feel when I listen to some of Josh Radnor's songs of the day? "I worry that my nervous system is ill-equiped to contain such immensity of feelings". But his comments also made me remember one of the best experiences in my life: Being inside a church in Bergen, Norway, on a rainy day, listening to Bach played in an organ, suddenly feeling like the walls were alive, and I could feel everyone who had ever been there. Yes, music has this power.
Now, back to the movie. Such an unbelievably amazing cast. The delivery of those perfectly written lines was superb. I couldn't imagine a better and more appropriate ensemble.
And last, but absolutely not least, Mr. Radnor. This man amazes me in everything that he does. He can make me cry, and feel an entire arc of emotions with a single look (not only on this movie, but on HIMYM also). And, going a little off-topic, but not so much, he is forever an inspiration. Incredibly smart, deep and kind. As someone already said before, he is beautiful. Not only on the outside, but also, and especially, on the inside. And going a little more off-topic, I don't think I'll ever have trouble again finding great songs to listen to, because I have his SOTDs.
I need to rewatch to be able to think about the ending. I was too overwhelmed feeling way too close to Dean. Even though I'm much, much, better, I'm still too close to how he feels and sometimes I need to stick to the vampire books that empty your mind.
To sum up, thank you, Josh. Don't ever stop writing, don't ever stop acting, don't ever stop making movies. Your work is a blessing to this world.

Things have been good for a while. For a long while actually, which made me really happy. But I'm having a few bad days now. I may have to give my cats away. My father can't stop complaining about them, because they make a mess, and break the plants, and sharp their nails on the cushions, and act kind of crazy sometimes. And now I'm travelling to Ribeirão more, to visit my mother, and he complains even worse when I'm there. I'm going to go there the next holiday, in about a month, and he said that he doesn't want to be left with them. I don't know what to do. I don't have money to put them in a hotel. I'm so sad with the idea that I might have to give them away. And I'm worried about Hedwig. She doesn't like to be with other cats, and whenever she's in a new environment she stops eating. I'm afraid if I send her to a shelter she'll stop eating and nobody will even notice. I'm gonna miss them so much if they have to go.

And on top of that I have to write a 20-page long paper, and I don't even have a topic. I've thought about two topics, but I don't think either of them will work. I can't even think of a new one, nothing that I could develop. And I feel completely useless and stupid, because I know lots of people who have written a lot more than this, and I think I won't be able to write this one. And I'll feel totally incompetent.

I just wanted to let it out. It's not making me feel better, though.

PS: Whoever wrote the anonymous comment on the last topic, thank you. And if you ever come back here, I would love to know who you are.

Oh, I do have something else to write about. My cute little cats. This is the first time that I have my own pets. My family has had pets all my life, but they were never mine. (Besides the little hamster that my sister killed, but I was too young to notice anything). I find it so interesting to realize how they really do have personalities. H. is quieter, most of the time. Except the rare exceptions when she runs around the house like crazy, jumping all around. I don't quite understand why she does that. But normally she just likes to sleep, or observe. She's always happy to find a post, the higher the better, to look around. On the other hand, O. never does that. It's like she doesn't even realize there's a world out there. But she is crazy almost all of the time. She likes to play with her little mouse. H. couldn't care less about it. But O. goes around chasing it for hours. And she's like a little dog, bringing it to me, expecting me to throw it for her again. It's funny, because the mouse runs away sometimes. It hides underneath some furniture and is lost for months at a time. And O. doesn't even notice, but when it resurfaces, it's all she can think about. Specially when I'm trying to sleep. I'm really glad I chose her when I went to adopt her. She's so likeable. She has this cute squirrel tail, all fluffy. It's funny, because even though she has lots of hair, she's not exactly fluffy, so it's just the tail. And she's needy. She's always seeking for some contact, asking to be patted, rubbing against our legs, shoving her "face" (I forgot the actual word for this) under our hands. H. doesn't seem to mind. She hardly ever notices there's people around her. As long as she has a warm place to sleep and somewhere to look outside she's happy.

First of all, again with some doubts. Now I really wanted to write in Portuguese, but I've seen that most of the people that find my blog are from abroad. And I opened it with the hope that maybe I can meet some interesting people who are interested in what I have to say. So I have to write in English. I'm too lazy to write in both.

I'd really like to start writing again. It's hard to find what to say. Especially since the last time I wrote something the only person that commented complained that I only write about myself and I should help people. I really don't know how to help somebody with a blog. The only way I know is to write about what I know and maybe somebody that reads this will fell like someone else understands, they'll fell less alone. I don't think I'm anybody special that should be giving lectures, trying to teach something. I don't know, maybe the person that complained wanted help and didn't know how to ask. Which is a big problem, because she is one of the hardest people to help that I know. Anyway, she'll probably never read my blog again, so I'll just ignore it.

I needed some help this week. Really don't know who to ask for it. I think it's really hard to be a teacher. At least for me it is. I find it very difficult to understand what the students need, and even harder to figure out how to give it to them. I know I'm not very liked. Specially by the teens, but maybe that's not my fault. What I do know is that it's terrible when a student says they don't want you as a teacher anymore, after one class. I keep thinking, how horrible do you have to be that someone won't even give you a second chance. And now I'm scared to start with any new student, because I think the same thing will happen. I needed something or somebody to help me change the way I think. Otherwise I feel like never giving a first class again. And I kinda have to. I should start with two new students next week. One should have been today, but I cancelled the class because I was to scared. And everytime I think about the class I think about the coordinator calling me trying to understand what happened, why doesn't the student want me anymore. (And what's worse, the one that complained wouldn't even tell them what I did wrong. I don't even know how to try and get better.) Anyway, that's a lot more that I could say about this, but I'm thinking about the reader complaint again. And I keep thinking who would be interested in reading all this. So, just putting it out there so maybe the Universe can do something to help me.

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la ...
I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...


http://www.vagalume.com.br/the-smiths/i-know-its-over.html#ixzz1PNHQD5LR

PS: Isso não é um desabafo. Eu só gosto dessa música. Ninguém precisa ficar preocupado. Pelo contrário, essa música me dá força, porque eu já senti muito isso e agora não sinto mais.