It's weird to think that once posting here was so important to me. In a way, writing has become much less important, now I'd rather talk to people. But somehow, today, it seems like there's something more that needs to be said, even though I don't yet know what it is. What I do know is that it's much easier if I imagine that I'm only writing to myself. I have no idea why I putting it on a blog, if that's the case. But it sort of shows what some of my doubts have been lately. It's weird when I stop to think about it, it seems I'm nothing but doubts these days. Nothing seems certain, nothing's decided, and I'm not sure of most of what I think. Yet, I don't remember ever feeling so sure of myself for so long. I've had moments of feeling certain, but they never lasted for months, like it's happening now. But how can I be sure and confident, and extremely insecure and lost at the same time?
It's amazing to think how much my life has changed. It feels like it started about six months ago, but the last two months made everything more blatant. I remember thinking last year how much I missed having close friends, because for a while I didn't really have anyone. And now today I have a list of people I can choose from, if I ever need to talk. People that I never expected would come into my life, and people that were already there, but I still hadn't realized how great they were, or I had forgotten. I guess this is a little my way of saying thanks. To each of them, and to whatever force brought all of us together. All of them are definitely a part of why everything feels so different. I guess that being able to open up again, and to such different people, from all around the world, and the one who is always by my side, physically, and the one who has known me for so long, all of that has made me see myself from a different light. And somehow it made me stronger. For one, because I'm chaging the image I had of myself that I would always be alone because I thought I was incapable of making friends. I don't think I'm as awkward as I used to be. Or at least, if I am, I learned to show people a good side of me, that would make them love me anyway. The other side of that, that's connected to the first one, is that actually saying what I feel, makes me see everything from different angles. And I'm getting a completely different idea of myself, but also everything, because of all the talks. It's the good side to overthinking, it can make you learn a lot. At least I feel I have learned. So much it's unbelievable. And, finally, I think these friendships helped me overcome a fear of mine, of always avoiding conflict. Because I think I've had some sort of conflict with each one of them, though sometimes rather small, and it didn't destroy anything, much to the contrary, it just ended up bringing us closer. At least I feel closer to them because of that.
I guess none of that makes much sense, especially to anyone who can't be inside my head. And it's not even what I intended to write in the first place. Well, it was, if I think about it. Because, mainly, what I wanted to write was a bit of all the things that have been going through my head a lot lately. And that's one of them. The other part is, how scary it is not to have any idea what your future is going to be like. I try to plan everything, and prepare myself for what's to come, but I don't think it's possible to prepare myself for my future. I'm constantly torn between a feeling of "I can't wait for everything that I want to happen" and "What the hell am I doing, and how crazy am I?" I guess in a way it is connected to what I was saying before, because all my friends are the ones helping me calm the second thought. And I know that no matter where I am, I'll be able to count on them. And if I were able to make these friends, I may not be so lonely when I finally go.
But, still, with all this said, all I can think about is still, I'm really, really scared. And I don't think there's anything I can do about that now.
1 year ago