Talking about hate

I saw this link this weekend about a blog-a-ton about hate. I wanted to write something, but didn't know about what until now. It's probably too late to join the group, but I think the idea is worth to be put out there anyway. I was very moved by the examples of hate crimes shown on this page, but couldn't think of anything I had to add to the discussion. However, today, another kind of hate has occurred to me, one that always has me wondering what is wrong with people, and how can they be so mean. I'm talking about haters through the Internet. You know, the ones that appear on blogs, or even forums, and feel like their opinion is so important that it's worth hurting people with it.

So, this issue makes me wonder what is it with these people? And not only the people on the Internet but everywhere, people who want their ideas to come across so fiercely that they blurt it out without ever thinking of the consequences.

Now, I have no idea what goes through the mind of anybody who writes on the Internet. Hell, sometimes I have no idea what goes through my mind. But it seems to me that these people are scared. It seems they value their opinion so much, that they think they somehow are linked to these opinions, and if they were ever proven wrong, they would lose their own value.

This world is very full of hate, and it is very full of very scared people. People that are scared not only of losing their opinions, but losing their way of life, their loved ones, their lives. And you know what? I can very much relate to these people.

Now, the part that is hard to admit: I'm a hater myself. I have written bad things on the Internet, I have cursed people on the street, and I have on occasion tried to force my opinion on somebody. OK, it is true that I never did anything worse than that. I have never hit, assaulted, murdered anyone. Not that I haven't felt like it sometimes. But there's something called restraint, and it's kind of important if you live in a society. But, that's actually a topic for another day.

The point I wanted to make is: I don't think haters and non-haters are all that different deep down. And I think that this is the very thing that creates more hate. Thinking that "those people" have some kind of problem that the rest of us do not share. And that is absolutely not true.

This discussion won't end today, it has barely started. I just wanted to put this thought in the open. Now, a little story that kind of illustrates my point.

Many years ago, I got a prank call. Somebody called my house collect, and started saying bad words. I did what I always do - hung up feeling terrible, as if those words were true. (hey, here's that fear I was talking about - I'm suddenly unworthy because someone I never saw before said bad things to me - not even about me).

Anyway, a few days go by and the girl calls again. This time, my sister answers the phone. And she did something completely unexpected. She started talking to this girl, asking why she was doing this, explaining that this was a bad thing to do. And the girl talked back, and told my sister all about her life. I don't remember the details, but I think she was poor, and her parents were fighting, and maybe she was also having problems at school. Nothing any of us hasn't gone through one way or another. They became friends, the girl called a few more times (not collect anymore), and if I remember correctly, one of the last times she told my sister things were getting better.

What I think? All haters are this girl. They just need somebody to pay attention, somebody to care. Am I being naive? Probably. Does it matter? Not really, if we realize we can be me and let the anger continue, or we can be my sister, and reach out a hand (or an ear) to somebody in need.

Identity crisis

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Which is kind of weird for me to realize, because I actually feel like I've been having this for the past ten years. I think the difference this time is that I'm brave enough (or stupid enough, you can pick either one) to be more honest about all of this. Actually, since the end of last year I feel like I'm finally able to be honest about a lot of things, like I never was before. I feel like there's very little I'm able to ignore and pretend that it's not there.

And this is great and horrible at the same time. On the one hand, if I ever had a chance to look at my issues up front, it is now, and maybe that's the first time I really have a chance to do something about the things I don't like about myself and my life. On the other hand... oh, I miss pretending everything is ok.

So, what is this crisis about? I'm questioning most decisions I made in my life. And the main reason for that? A lot of this decisions brought me a lot of pain, and I really don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I mean, I probably am more mature now. But if this is the only thing I've got, it seems like a huge price to pay. I wish I had more good memories. I wish I felt better and more proud of who I've become. And I don't.

Maybe the main reason for all of that: I lost my faith in pretty much everything. I was a very spiritual person. I'm not anymore, at all. I lost my faith in my family, and in my friends. I completely lost my faith in psychology's ability to help people. And I lost my faith in my ability to make a difference.

And now I'm left trying to find out what I still have to offer. And the answer? I don't have a single tiny clue.

Carefree (um, not really)

Oh, man, do women have it rough. 

I'm not trying to raise a battle of the sexes here, but, you know, I am a woman, so really, I can only talk for this "kind". And, unfortunately, only us can pms (although I do know someone from the other side who thinks he can too, but, c'mon, who is he kidding?)

Anyway, I'm in those days when my hormones decide to misbehave, even though I try to keep them on every medicine leash I can. Still, they find a way to sneak out of their closet, and throw parties throughout my body. And the next day(s), I'm the one left with the hangover. 

But, not to worry, just a few more days of swelling, cramping, stomachaches, bad moods and water works and I'll be back to my old self again. 

And you know, my dear hormones, I really won't miss you, and I know you'll all be back next month.

Decisions

Ok, so I think I may have kind of made up my mind. I was writing in Portuguese, because, let's face it, it's easier, and I'm already making an effort with this. But I really want to be able to link this blog to all the other blogs I follow, which are, mainly, in English, and, I don't know, I would like people to understand what I'm saying. 

So, even if I have to write in Portuguese first and then translate, in order to not compromise the flow of my thinking, and wrinting, that's what I'll do from now on. That is, until I change my mind again, of course.