Monday, 8 June 2009

Identity crisis

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Which is kind of weird for me to realize, because I actually feel like I've been having this for the past ten years. I think the difference this time is that I'm brave enough (or stupid enough, you can pick either one) to be more honest about all of this. Actually, since the end of last year I feel like I'm finally able to be honest about a lot of things, like I never was before. I feel like there's very little I'm able to ignore and pretend that it's not there.
And this is great and horrible at the same time. On the one hand, if I ever had a chance to look at my issues up front, it is now, and maybe that's the first time I really have a chance to do something about the things I don't like about myself and my life. On the other hand... oh, I miss pretending everything is ok.

So, what is this crisis about? I'm questioning most decisions I made in my life. And the main reason for that? A lot of this decisions brought me a lot of pain, and I really don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I mean, I probably am more mature now. But if this is the only thing I've got, it seems like a huge price to pay. I wish I had more good memories. I wish I felt better and more proud of who I've become. And I don't.

Maybe the main reason for all of that: I lost my faith in pretty much everything. I was a very spiritual person. I'm not anymore, at all. I lost my faith in my family, and in my friends. I completely lost my faith in psychology's ability to help people. And I lost my faith in my ability to make a difference.

And now I'm left trying to find out what I still have to offer. And the answer? I don't have a single tiny clue.

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